Love, Laras — Dear You
Isn’t it sad that we talk the least about things that we think about the most? Recently, I’ve been passing days and not living in them. Lately, all I can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before I fall apart. I’ve been crying myself to sleep and cannot tell you a single word about it. Maybe it’s my fault that I miss too much and show too little. But there is a doubt in my heart, thinking whether the tears were for missing you, hating you, or loving you.
But I swear to God I didn’t mean to fall in love. It happened and I don’t know what to do or how to stop it. It took over me. Suddenly, I find myself wishing you were by my side and thinking of you when I see the stars at night. It is like you control me; every single thing that I do is about you. I think about you all day and stay up all night loving you. I have no idea what I’m getting into and I can’t get out. It feels like I’m trapped in the middle of nowhere, trying to find my way back home. I try to climb the walls but I fall even further and hurt even more. I fall for you. There, I said it. I swear I didn’t mean to, but I love you.
Foolish? Yes. To fall for someone and realize he’s not going to be yours and that’s not a very big deal for him. I’m terribly sorry if I think too much and care too much and love too much. I’m such a fool for ever thinking that you would love me back. All those reasons that I thought were you loving me were just disguises for reasons that I fall for you. Sucks? Sure. To realize that you chase someone else every morning and I’m not your last thought at night. I’m not even a whisper in your ear while you are screaming in mine. Then weeks turn into months as I watch you fade out of my life while everything else is blooming in color.
Still, everytime I see you, I realize that you just don’t get it. You just don’t get it. You take my breath away and leave a galaxy spinning inside me, and I haven’t stopped thinking about you ever since. I want you to know that I look for you everyday in the comfort of a cup of coffee, the pages of my favorite book, the best part of songs that I like, and I look for you in everyone that I meet. You see, maybe this is too late. I’ve been searching for the right words and the right time but I’m terribly scared of your response or whether there will be none at all. See, I want to tell you everything. Why I’m in love with you, and how I swore to myself I would never let anyone be close to me, and why your eyes feel like home.
It sucks because I see little pieces of you in every little thing that I do and it makes everyday harder. I see your eyes in strangers and I hear your voice in my dreams. I see your name pop up in random places and it floods my mind with beautiful memories that I can’t relive. It feels miserable for me to wake up every morning knowing that I’m still falling for you. I can’t have a good time without wishing you were experiencing it with me. I can’t picture my future without you. I can’t be with anyone else because all I want to be is with you. If ten years from now we see each other again, I would still have my heart racing fast and crushing over you again.
I’d like to think that no matter what will happen between us after you read this, my name will always be prominent in your vocabulary. That you will think of me when you see your favorite words or turn around when my voice seems to travel to your ears. Perhaps your heart will miss a beat when someone asks about me. Perhaps, I won’t be the only one whose mind wanders back in time all over again.
Most of all, I don’t think you keep your mind off of me at all; I think you distract your mind with something else. What I can’t figure out is, are you distracting your mind towards something that you want or away from something that you’re afraid to want? Please remember that you will always be the man I will compare everyone to and I don’t mind finding someone like you again in my life.
Michigan, April 2017
Love, Laras
